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Happy despite the Tears

Well today I'm still keeping the "happy" thing going.

I'm happy it was bright and sunny today but not so hot you felt like you were going to melt.
I'm happy that I had foresight to make spice bars on the weekend and had some to nibble on when I got home after work. :o)
I'm happy the volunteer "photography gig" I had on Sunday is over and a majority of the photos came out.
I'm happy that I have an extended road trip weekend to look forward to soon with my best friends.

But I gotta be honest and maybe a little too over share-y here, but I am having more trouble thank I thought I would dealing with my grief. My kid sister always reminds me that there are apparently seven stages of the grieving process. I have no idea what stage I'm in or which one(s) I've made it through. I think I might look for a book or something to see how one is "supposed" to deal with loss. I've been lucky this week and not had a crying jag in public. But I do spend my evenings altering between tearing up and outright weeping. I thought I had convinced myself that I was okay with mom's death but it's obvious that I'm not. It will be six months on October first.

"Coronation Street" makes me weep. I cries during of all things!!! "Dancing with the Stars" and don't ask me for a list of commercials that turn the taps on. *sigh* I don't want to hurt anymore. I don't want to find myself reaching for the phone to call her. But I don't want to NOT think about mom either. I'm also getting worked up about the fast approaching holidays. I am NOT looking forward to Christmas this year. Will I ever again? It all sucks! Gonna stop thinking about it for now. So, to keep functioning, I MUST keep thinking of the things that make me happy. And I am happy right now that I have some pretty cool RL and LJ & DW friends! You're all pretty special people.

Now I think a long hot shower and a mini-melt down is in order. Huh, I'm actually happy that I'm going to go and cry in the shower. Now what's on tv tonight that can keep the tears coming.

Thanks for being out there you guys.

This entry was originally posted at http://21freckles.dreamwidth.org/144855.html. Please comment there using OpenID.


( 9 comments — Leave a comment )
Sep. 28th, 2011 11:43 pm (UTC)
I don't think you're supposed to get over it babe...it gets easier but it never goes away. I think the best thing you can do for yourself is not to expect to feel a certain way.

love to you
Sep. 29th, 2011 08:43 pm (UTC)
Thank you. Putting it down 'on paper' actually helped a lot.
I think I could get into this posting public routine again.
Now I need to find more upbeat things to post about.
Hmmmmm, what fandom would I fit in...... :o)
Thanks again Karen, you've been one of the few constants in my world.
That means so, so much!
Sep. 29th, 2011 02:39 pm (UTC)
*hugs hard*

Thinking of you still.
Sep. 29th, 2011 08:44 pm (UTC)
)))hold on tight(((
Thank you so much sweetie!!!
Your commenting makes me happy!
Sep. 29th, 2011 06:50 pm (UTC)
*hugs you so hard* it's been four years now for me now, and i still feel the loss of my mom acutely every now again, but over time those moments have happened less and less frequently, and they take me by surprise less and less often, too. idk. people told me "time takes time", and even though i really didn't want to hear that, it really did turn out to be true. for what it's worth, i joined a grief group (briefly), and it did help. ♥
Sep. 29th, 2011 08:47 pm (UTC)
Thank you so much for leaving me this. ::hugs tight::
"time takes time"
I'd never heard the expression before. It's perfect.
Thank you!!!
Sep. 29th, 2011 09:16 pm (UTC)
you're so welcome, babe. *hugs you more* ANYTIME.
i don't know how i would have gotten through it without lj, truly. being able to post about how i was feeling made a world of difference. ♥
(Deleted comment)
Sep. 30th, 2011 02:44 am (UTC)
First - it's really nice seeing you posting again.
And thank you so much for these words of support.
I had a pretty good day today.
Oct. 1st, 2011 05:54 am (UTC)

Lt, no matter what the "stages" of grief are, it's unique to you and it sucks to hurt, but it's okay to take all the time you need. All i've ever learned about grief is that there ebbs and flows of it and you end up riding it all, and those who love you will ride it out with you and be there for you! All my love!!!
( 9 comments — Leave a comment )