Chootoy (chootoy) wrote,

Happy despite the Tears

Well today I'm still keeping the "happy" thing going.

I'm happy it was bright and sunny today but not so hot you felt like you were going to melt.
I'm happy that I had foresight to make spice bars on the weekend and had some to nibble on when I got home after work. :o)
I'm happy the volunteer "photography gig" I had on Sunday is over and a majority of the photos came out.
I'm happy that I have an extended road trip weekend to look forward to soon with my best friends.

But I gotta be honest and maybe a little too over share-y here, but I am having more trouble thank I thought I would dealing with my grief. My kid sister always reminds me that there are apparently seven stages of the grieving process. I have no idea what stage I'm in or which one(s) I've made it through. I think I might look for a book or something to see how one is "supposed" to deal with loss. I've been lucky this week and not had a crying jag in public. But I do spend my evenings altering between tearing up and outright weeping. I thought I had convinced myself that I was okay with mom's death but it's obvious that I'm not. It will be six months on October first.

"Coronation Street" makes me weep. I cries during of all things!!! "Dancing with the Stars" and don't ask me for a list of commercials that turn the taps on. *sigh* I don't want to hurt anymore. I don't want to find myself reaching for the phone to call her. But I don't want to NOT think about mom either. I'm also getting worked up about the fast approaching holidays. I am NOT looking forward to Christmas this year. Will I ever again? It all sucks! Gonna stop thinking about it for now. So, to keep functioning, I MUST keep thinking of the things that make me happy. And I am happy right now that I have some pretty cool RL and LJ & DW friends! You're all pretty special people.

Now I think a long hot shower and a mini-melt down is in order. Huh, I'm actually happy that I'm going to go and cry in the shower. Now what's on tv tonight that can keep the tears coming.

Thanks for being out there you guys.

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